we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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