my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
