Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
