I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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