I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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