In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
And then he peed in my hair
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