I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
