Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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