I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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