There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
