Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
being pregnant is like rehab
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
