I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
