come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize