just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
