My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
