my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
