I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
