just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
