Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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