I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize