listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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