today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
