i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
