My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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