hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
