I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
