Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
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