69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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