is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
