just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
