Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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