I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
