I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
