yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize