So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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