I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
