You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
