I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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