I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
