....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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