he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
