she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
