Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
