It's Friday. Sex?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
