he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I touched a dick in church today
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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