it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
