I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
