nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
