Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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