I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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