He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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