dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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