I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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