On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
