"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
