Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
