So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
