Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
