the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
