we have pet lesbian snakes
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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